Typing as I Think

I’ve recently encountered a difficult decision. The weekend of DCI East in Allentown is the same as the GAMMA pickleball tournament in Pittsburgh.

To some people, this may be a no-brainer. But for different reasons and different decisions.

I’m sure some of my friends view pickleball as a joke but the same can be said about drum corps. Pickleball is for losers. Drum corps is for losers. And I love both. What’s significant about these 2 activities is the community that surrounds them.

Pickleball has recently come into my life, hard. I play nearly every day now and the State College pickleball community has been very welcoming. Most of the members are older, retired folks but there are a couple who are around my age.

One of them, Sebastian, is a couple of notches better than me but we play very well together, and people have been encouraging us to play in tournaments. A lot of people are always asking to play us and it’s very flattering thinking that people enjoy playing our games. Unfortunately, Sebastian is only here for the summer for an internship so the time to play in a tournament would have to be before he leaves.

On the other hand, drum corps has played a major role in shaping whom I have become, and I haven’t missed a single Allentown weekend since I started going in 2014. Although this year is the return of drum corps and the show will be a lot smaller than usual, the show is not the reason why I want to go.

I would love to catch up and see old friends. Friends that I haven’t seen since 2019. A lot can happen in 2 years. I’ve changed a great deal since then and I want to know how my friends have changed as well. And not just my friends that go to Allentown every year. But also, my friends in corps that are performing or teaching.

I feel like I’ve come to a point in my life where I am choosing between my new friends vs. my old friends. A very strange predicament.

Regardless of the choice that I make, I’m sure everything will be great. I don’t think it’s so much the people or the event that matters; it’s the mindset I have moving forward with the decision that I make.

Thinking about this has made me quite grateful for how fortunate I am to have such wonderful dilemmas to worry about. And it’s got me thinking about how other people might have similar, or very different, decisions to make. Just using my imagination, my crossroads decision is very light and happy compared to other problems people might be facing.

Not only do I feel extremely lucky, but I also feel obligated to live my life joyfully without regard for possible dissatisfaction or unease.

I think this mindset is a very powerful thing. When I become a teacher, the material and technical details are not so important to me. These things can change and there’s certainly a chance I will be wrong. What’s important is the mindset the students cultivate in their time learning from me. A mindset that will be crucial for a wonderful life.

I honestly think this is why I come off as a charismatic person. Not for the things I say or the way I behave; It’s because of the reason why I do the things I do. The ease in my mind that says “Yes, because this life is for you.” I can’t pinpoint an accurate description of what my mindset is, but I want it to be something that people can acknowledge, consider, and replicate for themselves.

I think the mindset of continuous growth and learning solely for personal enjoyment is the reason that today, I am who I am. Confidence is easy when you don’t care about things that don’t play a role in the development of your character. Failure is not a problem if you seek meaning in the things that you do, regularly.

What’s important to me is that I stay true to this mindset and build undeniable integrity. When I try my best not to lie, my words become more genuine and when it matters, I can speak with conviction. My enjoyment of life comes from showing that the mindset that I possess is the best one and that anyone can adopt it. That is why I want to teach.

Admittedly, typing all this out and reading it back gives very arrogant vibes. But I am young and naïve to the things around me, and I accept that. I am an ignorant person who is constantly changing as new ideas come into my life. So who knows if this mindset will remain, or if I will have adopted a different one by the time I’m done.

As much as I love this mindset, this is something that usually appears mostly in social settings. Yes, I have these thoughts when I am walking or hiking or driving, but when I am in the presence of entertainment and left to my own devices, my shadow takes over more than I would like to admit.

The same mindset is not present when I am in my apartment, watching YouTube videos instead of doing research. When the light shines, you can see me clearly as the person that I would like to present myself as. The person whom I want to be. But behind the scenes, it’s a struggle for control over daily activities.

I would love to live every second of my life with the mindset that I just described, but many times, it’s just not the case. The presence of people makes it easier for me to come off as someone who has their life together, but that’s just because I’ve come to learn what to say through experience.

At the end of the day, I am just an average person, struggling to bring himself to do the things that he wants to do. Don’t get me wrong; I am grateful, and I enjoy my life quite a bit, but I am not even close to living the way that I want.

I want to be a leader. But if I can’t do the simple things in my life, how could I possibly expect people to follow me in any capacity? If I can’t maintain a certain mindset for every moment of my life, then I am just someone who is trying to deceive the world and most importantly, deceive myself.

I often wonder if there’s such thing as a perfect life. If I will meet my expectations of myself or if I will fall short along the way. I wonder if this On-Paper version of Bryan Tsang will ever manifest, including the times when he’s alone. I don’t want to lie and tell you that my mindset is the best and I hope you adopt it because even I can’t continuously maintain it.

But I can keep trying, because if I don’t then I will never know what could have been. I truly don’t think I will ever be content with where I am and how I live my life, but I don’t want to stop chasing what it means to have things figured out.

Living is difficult. But I want to get better at it. I feel like for starters, I should share my vulnerability, forgive myself, and simply try again. Whenever I fail, I need a reminder of what it is that I truly want out of this life. I know it’s not instant serotonin through social media or YouTube, so why can’t I bring myself to perform in the moments when no one is watching me?

The answer may be discipline. I don’t have the self-control to behave the way I wish I would. I need to stop unconsciously lying to myself about the things I plan to do. Maybe I am just a little late to seeing the problem whenever it happens. A little bit behind the beat that when it’s over, I feel guilty. I wish I could catch myself early in the act or see it coming from a little further away. It would be nice if someone could tell me what to look out for and how I should prepare for it. Pickleball and drum corps have been kind to me.

I’m not sure how I got here from pickleball vs drum corps, but it’s very humbling and exciting thinking about how far away I am from my goal. There’s a lot to fix and a lot of life left to live. Although it’s challenging, I appreciate that this a game that I get to play every day.